i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
