hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
