My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
