So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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