Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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