Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
