Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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