Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
