One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize