Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize