Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
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