Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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