I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize