Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
