HIV tests are more positive than that guy
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
