i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
