just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
We were destined to go to rehab together
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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