Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
