R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize