So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
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