Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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