i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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