are you still at the devil's house?
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
