The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
