It's a beautiful day for a hangover
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
