remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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