just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
