There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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