What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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