God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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