and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Randomize
