I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
