Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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