i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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