I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
