he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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