After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
did i walk over a car last night?
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Randomize
