Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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