The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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