I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
