I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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