My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Randomize
