if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
she told me i tasted like america
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
