i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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