oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
