Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Are my feet made of real feet?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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