this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
