Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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