OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
organizing the empties. That sober.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
