Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(228): View more from Mississippi

they just did a mariachi cover of free bird

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(509): View more from Washington

Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!

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(734): View more from Michigan

Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.

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(301): View more from Maryland

If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities

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(415): View more from California

Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.

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(614): View more from Ohio

ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.

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