Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
