areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize