Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
