just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
