If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
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